What a divorce coach wishes couples knew before ending a marriage

Karen McNenny is a certified divorce coach, certified co-parenting specialist and author of the book The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family . Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR hide caption

When Karen McNenny was facing divorce about 15 years ago, she was afraid of what it would mean for her future: despair, debt and a lifetime of resentment, she says.

At the same time, she was thinking of her two children, she says. She didn't want their father to become her enemy.

So she and her former husband chose to approach divorce differently as a couple. "We're going to renovate and transform this family. We're not going to destroy it," she says. "The marriage is ending, not your relationship."

For McNenny, a mediator, certified divorce coach and certified co-parenting specialist, divorce is a tool, not a weapon. She expands on this concept in The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family , which came out this spring. The book offers guidance on how to maintain compassionate and respectful ties with a former spouse while also healing and moving forward.

According to Pew Research Center , a third of Americans who have ever been married had a first marriage that ended in divorce. For that reason, McNenny hopes her book becomes a must-read for couples before they get married. "The best time to talk about divorce is before you need to talk about it," she says.

She shared insights from her book in a conversation with Life Kit. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

The book is called The Good Divorce . What does that mean?

[For those with kids,] the good divorce is about protecting the future of the family while we dissolve the marriage.

After the paperwork is done and the assets have been divided, can you and your co-parent sit on the same side of the bleachers during the basketball game? Can you still see yourselves as a partnership, with the ability to have thoughtful conversations about your kids?

For those who don't have kids, [the good divorce is] about protecting your health — your mental health and your physical health. If we are doubling down with resentment and bitterness, all of that gets stored in the body and shows up in different ways. You deserve a pathway that's less destructive.

Let me also be clear: There are times when an amicable, collaborative process is not possible and maybe even inappropriate. For instance, where there's active addiction, abuse, domestic violence, coercion or unmanaged mental health issues.

How do you get to a place where you don't feel triggered by your partner, so you both can work together toward a good divorce?

That, my dear, does not happen overnight. That is more like a dimmer switch going up and down and up and down, and the gift of time helps to get there.

It's a complex emotional journey because we do feel relief in walking away from our spouse and the challenges. But with it, there is extraordinary grief that comes with divorce that I think is often underestimated and undersupported.

Life Kit

Getting hitched? Protect your finances with a prenup

If my spouse had died, people would've been checking in with me regularly. I never would've spent a holiday alone in that first year. There probably would've been a meal train.

But he didn't die. My marriage died, my family structure died, my identity as a wife and a partner died. There's so much grief through these transformations that come with divorce that we don't see.

So supporting friends in all those ways that you would as if there had been an actual death is doing a lot for your friends who are going through divorce.

How do you let your friends, family and community know that you're getting a divorce and that you might need support?

Put a communication strategy together. It's not just for how we tell the kids. It's also a communication strategy for the grandparents; to the circle of support around the kids, like teachers, coaches and mentors; and our shared community.

It's extraordinary when a couple can write that message together, not unlike a marriage announcement. [You might say:] We've made a really difficult decision. We wanted to let you know. We're not going to court. Don't expect a battle. Please don't ask us why. Just ask us how we're doing. We're on the same side as the kids. You don't need to pick sides.

In doing so, we've given everyone the same information at once. It's a unified message that comes from the parent team, and it allows your community to know how best to support you. And it takes out all the gossip and wonder about what is going on.

If you have kids and they're splitting time between two homes, what are some ways to make that change easier for them?

Our kids were 5 and 7 when we divorced, so it was three or four nights at a time in each home. By the time they got to be about 8 or 10, it made sense to go a week in each residence. After COVID, the kids came to us and said, "Can we just have two weeks in a house? We wanna be able to settle in more." [So we said] OK.

A lot of parents are so rigid about the schedule. There's no flexibility. That doesn't serve anyone. So I recommend liberating yourselves from the calendar and letting it grow and bend with your kids appropriately.

Life Kit

Want a marriage that lasts? 5 questions to ask your partner before getting hitched

Knowing what you know now about divorce, what questions do you think couples should ask themselves before they get married?

So often when people arrive at the threshold of divorce, couples are like, "We don't know what we're doing." Get educated about the business part of it.

There is no harm in having a prenuptial agreement. Even if you decided not to file it, have the conversation about the implications. What does it mean if we buy this house together? What does it mean if one of us works more and one of us works less?

We also underestimate what it means to be roommates. What are your value systems around cooking and cleaning? How much alone time do you need? It's easy to fall in love and not know if you're compatible.

I absolutely hope that I get to say yes to a lifelong commitment with a partner, as I believe we often are given the opportunity to become a better version of ourself through partnership.

The story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org .

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify , and sign up for our newsletter . Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit .